Informative Touchstone 3 Essay Revision

Review the in-text comments and summary feedback you received on your Touchstone 3 draft to deepen and extend your analysis of your topic. Submit a revision of your Touchstone 3 draft that reflects the feedback. Include a copy of your Touchstone 3 draft below the “Think About Your Writing” questions for this unit.

A. Instructions

All writers revise their work as part of the writing process. For Touchstone 4, submit a revised version of your Touchstone 3 essay. The process of revising involves “re-thinking” your essay. Your revision should reflect your attention to the following:

  • rhetorical situation
  • focus
  • organization
  • flow
  • style
  • clarity

As you consider possible revisions, evaluate how your essay can be improved in each of the areas above. Focus your attention on the areas that would benefit most from revision. You can add, delete, or move text as you revise your essay.

Note the following revision guidelines:

  • Do not draft a new essay. You must revise your Touchstone 3 draft.
  • Allow time between drafts so that you can see your original work from a new perspective.
  • Revision is different from editing and proofreading; however, be sure to edit and proofread your revised essay before you submit it.

Revise your Touchstone 3 essay using the revision strategies you learned in Unit 4. This revision should reflect significant changes from your first draft, and should incorporate the feedback you received on Touchstone 3.
Sample from professor  and Touchstone 3 feed back  is attached below

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

Are you ready to write Touchstone 4?

The informative essay below provides an example of an advanced level revision for prompt B: Extended Definition. As you read through the revised informative essay, notice how the author improved his essay relative to the first draft by strengthening his thesis statement, removing unnecessary words and sentences, revising sentences for variety, eliminating non-objective language, and reorganizing some paragraphs to improve essay flow . This sample revision employs effective strategies to improve the composition and reflects thoughtfully on the revision process. ______________________________________________________________________

Marcus Bishop

English Composition I

January 28, 2018

Margarita and Walter live in the same small town. Margarita is a high school

math teacher and Walter is an auto mechanic. Who is more intelligent, Margarita or

Walter? Merriam Webster’s online dictionary defines the word intelligence variously as

“the skilled use of reason,” and “the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one’s

environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (such as tests).”

Most people in Margarita and Walter’s small town would consider Margarita to be more

intelligent than Walter because she has graduated from college while Walter has simply

been interested in cars and how they work for all of his life. The definition of “intelligent”

should be broadened to include physical actions as well as intellectual actions.

Limiting intelligence to that which can be measured by “objective criteria” ignores

the fact that human beings think and learn in different ways. While Margarita may be

Comment [SL1]: Nice job revising the thesis to remove non-objective language.

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

intelligent in a logical, mathematical sense – she can easily grasp abstractions,

reasoning, and numbers – Walter is intelligent in a more physical sense – he has fine

motor skills and expresses his intelligence through manipulating and skillfully handling

objects. Walter can diagnose an engine knock as a problem with the car’s spark plugs,

but Margarita is able to diagnose a student’s difficulty with learning the multiplication

tables. These are both types of intelligence and one is not superior to the other. Walter

is not “more” intelligent than Margarita; he is merely intelligent in a different way.

Other types of intelligence are sometimes referred to as “talents” or “special

abilities.” Take a professional athlete, for example: a person like Michael Jordan

becomes famous for his agility and physical prowess, rising above other most other

competitors in his field. Is Michael Jordan more intellectually “intelligent” than other

athletes, or does he possess a physical superiority that can be translated into a different

type of “intelligence”? His control over his own body movements and his innate

understanding of physical timing and personal effort demonstrate a broader definition of

the term. This type of “physical intelligence” is found in many professions. Think of

actors who delve deeply into a character by physically becoming homeless if they are to

portray a homeless person on screen, for example, or who ride along with police officers

as they do their job in real life so they can faithfully represent the life of a police officer in

film. Professional dancers endure punishing physical routines to express themselves,

and people who build houses or buildings are physically engaged in the process. These

are all examples of people who may possess a greater physical intelligence than the

intellectual intelligence most often accepted as the true definition of the word

“intelligent.”

Comment [SL2]: I can see that you revised the body of this paragraph to include more sentence variety. The paragraph flows much better now, and the sentences are nicely structured.

Comment [SL3]: Again, great examples here. And I see that you fixed the punctuation error— well done!

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

So what does a “physical intelligence” mean? Think of the person who has never

had musical training but can hear a song and reproduce it, note by note, or the musician

who can teach himself to play a musical instrument through concentration and having

an “ear” for it. These are forms of “musical” intelligence. Or think of the person who is

able to navigate her way through unfamiliar surroundings. Without a map or other

outside source, some people are able to “sense” location and move unerringly in the

right direction. Taxi drivers are a good example of someone with spatial intelligence, as

are astronauts and airplane pilots. Surely this ability must be a form of intelligence as

well. It cannot be easily measured by an intellectual examination, but that does not

mean it is not an intelligence in itself.

For many years, an IQ test has been society’s measure of intelligence. An

“intelligence quotient” (IQ) is a total score arrived at through a series of standardized

tests that have been developed to measure and assess human intelligence. Dividing a

person’s mental age (derived from test scores) by his chronological age and multiplying

by 100 has long been the standard of arriving at a number to reflect one’s IQ. The

average IQ is often stated as being between 90 and 110, with a certain proportion being

lower and a proportion being higher.

At best, however, IQ scores are mere estimations of human intelligence. What of

the person, perhaps a person like Walter, who does not perform well on a written test?

Is an IQ score based on these tests truly reflective of his level of intelligence? What of

the person who can play a tune on a guitar with no training but who may stumble to

answer a question based on logic or reasoning? Because the word “intelligent” has so

many possible interpretations and so many possible ways of manifesting itself in the

Comment [SL4]: You substantially revised this paragraph in order to remove all non-objective language/examples. Really great work— the essay is now strictly in the informative mode and does not present instances of bias.

Comment [SL5]: The new placement of this paragraph is a lot better, as it ties into the next one nicely. The essay now feels more organized overall.

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

physical world, one should reject the idea that it can be accurately measured by a series

of written tests designed by some professors in a laboratory.

The definition of the word “intelligent” should be expanded to include the many

different types of intelligence that human beings possess. Intelligence is not merely an

intellectual measurement; it encompasses many skills and aptitudes not traditionally

associated with “intelligence.” Someone may be “book smart,” but someone else may

be “street smart,” and neither is more intelligent than the other. In academia, the “book

smart” person may find success and recognition, but he or she would struggle if asked

to survive a day on the streets of a large city. Rather than deeming one person more

“intelligent” according to a strict definition of the word, the definition of “intelligent”

should be altered to be more inclusive of the many traits we as humans demonstrate in

our day to day lives.

Think About Your Writing:

1. How much time did you spend revising your draft? Which revision strategies

did you use, and which of them worked best for you? (2-3 sentences)

2. How did the revision process improve your essay? (2-3 sentences)

3. What did you learn about your writing process or yourself as a writer? (2-3

sentences)

Comment [SL6]: This is a much more substantial conclusion. You’ve done a great job expanding on the main idea of your essay without losing focus.

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

COPY OF TOUCHSTONE 3 SUBMISSION

Intelligence: A Re-Definition

Margarita and Walter live in the same small town. Margarita s is a high school

math teacher and Walter is an auto mechanic. Whom is more intelligent, Margarita or

Walter? Merriam Webster’s online dictionary defines the word intelligence variously as

“the skilled use of reason,” and “the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one’s

environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (such as tests).”

Most people in Margarita and Walter’s small town would consider Margarita to be more

intelligent than Walter because she has graduated from college while Walter has simply

been interested in cars and how they work for all of his life. I believe the definition of

“intelligent” should be broadened to include physical actions as well as intellectual

actions.

Limiting intelligence to that which can be measured by “objective criteria” ignores

the fact that human beings think and learn in different ways. Margarita may be intelligent

in a logical, mathematical sense – she can easily grasp abstractions, reasoning, and

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

numbers – but Walter is intelligent in a more physical sense – he has fine motor skills

and expresses his intelligence through manipulating and skillfully handling objects.

Margarita may be able to diagnose a student’s difficulty with learning the multiplication

tables, but Walter can diagnose an engine knock as a problem with the car’s spark

plugs. Margarita and Walter both possess a type of intelligence and one is not superior

to the other. Margarita is not “more” intelligent than Walter; she is merely intelligent in a

different way.

Other types of intelligence are sometimes referred to as “talents” or “special

abilities.” Take a professional athlete, for example, a person like Michael Jordan

becomes famous for his agility and physical prowess, rising above other most other

competitors in his field. Is Michael Jordan more intellectually “intelligent” than other

athletes, or does he possess a physical superiority that can be translated into a different

type of “intelligence”? His control over his own body movements and his innate

understanding of physical timing and personal effort demonstrate a broader definition of

the term. This type of “physical intelligence” is found in many professions. Think of

actors who delve deeply into a character by physically becoming homeless if they are to

portray a homeless person on screen, for example, or who ride along with police officers

as they do their job in real life so they can faithfully represent the life of a police officer in

film. Professional dancers endure punishing physical routines to express themselves,

and people who build houses or buildings are physically engaged in the process. These

are all examples of people who may possess a greater physical intelligence than the

intellectual intelligence most often accepted as the true definition of the word

“intelligent.”

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

(EDIT for punctuation – replace comma with a colon or period.)

For many years, an IQ test has been society’s measure of intelligence. An

“intelligence quotient” (IQ) is a total score arrived at through a series of standardized

tests that have been developed to measure and assess human intelligence. Dividing a

person’s mental age (derived from test scores) by his chronological age and multiplying

by 100 has long been the standard of arriving at a number to reflect one’s IQ. The

average IQ is often stated as being between 90 and 110, with a certain proportion being

lower and a proportion being higher.

I have an uncle who has never had musical training in his life, yet he can hear a

song and sit down at the piano and reproduce that song note for note. Is this a type of

“intelligence”? If not, how can one explain it? Why do some people simply have this

musical ability and others do not? Another relative of mine is known as the “navigator”

because she can easily visualize spatial settings – that is, when we’re traveling in an

unknown territory, she unerringly gets us to the place we’re going without the use of

maps or other outside sources. As someone who is quickly disoriented in unfamiliar

settings, this sure sense of direction and place is something to admire as a form of

intelligence.

At best, however, IQ scores are mere estimations of human intelligence. What of

the person, perhaps a person like Walter, who does not perform well on a written test?

Is an IQ score based on these tests truly reflective of his level of intelligence? What of

my uncle who can play a tune on a guitar with no training but who may stumble to

answer a question based on logic or reasoning? Because the word “intelligent” has so

many possible interpretations and so many possible ways of manifesting itself in the

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

physical world, I reject the idea that it can be accurately measured by a series of written

tests designed by some supposedly intelligent professors in a laboratory. People who

consider only intellectual prowess as a sign of intelligence are not very intelligent

themselves.

In conclusion, I believe the definition of the word “intelligent” should be expanded

to include the many different types of intelligence that human beings possess. Someone

may be “book smart,” but someone else may be “street smart,” and I don’t believe that

one is more intelligent than the other.

SCORING APPEARS ON THE NEXT PAGE

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

SCORING for Sample Touchstone 4

The sample essay was evaluated according to the Touchstone 4 Rubric, which evaluates the revision and editing of either the Image Analysis OR Expanded Definition Essay. This particular essay was written using the expanded definition approach. The rubric evaluates the revision and edits made to the essay, the expanded definition, the working thesis statement, organization, style and tone, focus, conventions and proofreading, and responses to the “Think About Your Writing” questions. Each rubric area is evaluated according to the performance level.

Revising and Editing

It is very clear that the writer put significant thought into the revision process. The organization of the

essay has been altered to improve flow and clarity, edits have been made to the thesis statement and to

some topic sentences, and edits to sentences and word choices have improved the overall focus, clarity,

and tone of the essay.

Area Score: Advanced 27/30

Expanded Definition

The writer has chosen a meaningful word and has expanded on its meaning with a description of the

word’s traditional meaning, a rationale for expanding it, and a thorough discussion of the new, expanded

meaning.

Area Score: Advanced 15/15

Working Thesis (5 possible points)

The essay has a clear and focused thesis: “The definition of “intelligent” should be broadened to include physical actions as well as intellectual actions.” The edited thesis is now more concise, conveys a non- objective tone, and remains appropriately narrowed and states the central claim of the essay.

Area Score: 5/5

Organization (5 possible points)

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

The essay has an introduction with a thesis, an adequate number of body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Body paragraphs contain a topic sentence and supporting details. The writer uses transitions effectively within paragraphs, and edits have improved transitions and transitional expressions between paragraphs which have enhanced the overall flow of the essay.

Area Score: 10/10

Style and Tone (5 possible points)

The writer’s tone remains largely unbiased and informative throughout the essay. The writer uses logic

and examples to support the thesis and purpose. A wide variety of sentence structures help to keep the

reader engaged.

Area Score: 10/10

Focus (5 possible points)

The essay has a clear and focused thesis and edits to the original essay have provided enhanced support

for the thesis and improved the overall focus of the essay.

Area Score: 5/5

Conventions (5 possible points)

The writer has made few, if any, errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, usage, or mechanics.

Area Score: 10/10

“Think About Your Writing” Questions (5 possible points) The answers to the questions are thoughtful and insightful. The answers effectively address the question and either adhere to or exceed the length guidelines.

Area Score: 5/5

TOTAL SCORE: ADVANCED 87/90

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

This revised informative essay is successful as an extended definition essay. An interesting definition is

explored and thoughtfully extended using reason, critical thinking, and concrete details as support. The

style remains informative and unbiased throughout, with effective choice of words and good use of

transitions to connect ideas. The revisions that were made to the essay streamlined the ideas articulated

and added stronger support for the author’s thesis. The author’s answers to the reflection questions were

well thought out and met the requirements. On the whole, this revision provides a good example of

making effective revisions to a composition.

EXTENDED DEFINITION 1

EXTENDED DEFINITION 6

Abel Simorangkir Comment by vlmerlini: I’ll be providing feedback on Touchstone 3 today. This feedback is meant to help you revise this document for Touchstone 4. I find that this link helps to clarify what revision means in this context (versus editing): https://slc.berkeley.edu/writing-worksheets-and-other-writing-resources/editing-vs-revisionDr V

English Composition 1

January 7, 2021

Family: A Re-Definition

‘Family’ is a word that has been around since the development of the English language and is one of the words that are often thrown around in formal and informal conversations. According to Webster’s online dictionary, ‘family refers to “one or more parents residing together alone or with children” and “people descending from common ancestry. Most people believe the scope of the family to reach direct relatives and nothing more. However, events in real-life have proven this perception as untrue and limiting to human relationships and bonding. Although those people to whom one is related are important to them and significantly impact the course of their lives, the definition of family should not be limited to blood relations. Comment by vlmerlini: A good introduction but you have not thesis statement and have not provided an extended definitionOne needs to present a clear and straightforward thesis statement with an explicit statement of topic and intent. The reader should not have to assume something is a thesis statement. The thesis needs to be claimed and stated unambiguously. Here is an example:In this essay I will extend the definition of success which is currently defined as X to include these components – a, b, c.One must specifically state the concept to be redefined and then one makes an overall statement of the theme (your overall expanded definition) and then states 2-3 of the most important points about this definition that make it effective and give it substance and rationale. That way, each topic sentence will flow directly back to the thesis statement.

Events in life are intriguing and result in situations where family becomes much more than its conventional meaning. Blood relatives influence one’s life experiences and outcomes and this effect are the same as that of some people and events in the person’s life. The proof of this statement is in the way an orphan gains a new family when he becomes adopted even though the people adopting him are not his blood relatives. The definition of family goes beyond blood relations and extends to people and things that have had considerable positive impacts on a person’s life. Comment by vlmerlini: Ok – you can keep this but it needs to be part of the introduction and preceded the extended definition

The word ‘family’ is drawn from the Latin word Familia and it refers to the people bonded through marriage, birth, or common ancestry (Umberson and Thomeer, 2020). This definition of family is important to remind people of their backgrounds and history and what is expected of them as members of families. Furthermore, this definition is relevant to the basics of operations and structures of society. Laming, Morris, and Martin-Lynch (2019) state that one of the pillars of society is family and the stronger and more bonded families are the better society is. A stable and healthy society is an indication of stable and healthy families in a population and in this case, the opposite is true. Family in this sense is preserved and continued through procreation. Comment by vlmerlini: This is not on task. You have not offered an extended definition with two or three types of people or groups of people that can be called family. Each of those components becomes a topic sentence of a paragraph. Within which you argue to justify your component

Understanding the traditional meaning of society allows a person to have confidence while carrying out taking part in daily activities and to take advantage of the legal and general benefits of being part of a familyUmberson and Thomeer, 2020). The conventional family offers a crucial support system that a person gets without asking as blood relatives often naturally care for each other genuinely. Family is important in a person’s life beginning from childhood as it results in the inculcation of quality morals, principles, and values from a young age. The family gives a person optimism and hope for the future as they know that they are not alone and have people they can rely on (Laming, Morris, and Martin-Lynch, 2019). On the other hand, family can mean so much more than blood relations and to limit family to this definition is to lack understanding of the complex nature of human interaction and bonding. Comment by vlmerlini: This is not on task. You have not offered an extended definition with two or three types of people or groups of people that can be called family. Each of those components becomes a topic sentence of a paragraph. Within which you argue to justify your component

Moreover, defining family as simply blood relation is to deny people who do not have blood relations but have formed meaningful relationships with other people in their lives a chance to experience having family or being part of a family (Latchford, 2019). In the past and present societies, there are numerous cases of partners in a relationship or a family taking on the responsibility of guardians to children who do not have parents for one reason or another. Today, this process is formal and is referred to as adoption, where an interested qualifying party can adopt one or more children regardless of whether he has children of his own or not (Latchford, 2019). Here, the adopted child becomes a member of the adopting family, and in some cases; he only comes to know that he was adopted when he is older and more discerning. This occurrence serves to prove that blood relation is not the measure of family and that instead, factors like love and care, quality time spent, good intentions, and loyalty determine who is family instead. Comment by vlmerlini: This is not on task and not an effective topic sentence Comment by vlmerlini: This can be worked into a component of an extended definition but it must be stated in the thesis and it must be the topic sentence

It is important to note that some people may be related by blood; however, their treatment of each other is far from how family should treat each other. There are countless cases where a member of a family has taken the life of another member in cold blood (Umberson and Thomeer, 2020). There are reports of fathers defiling their children and of mothers cutting off their children for some reason. People experiencing negative treatment or adverse impacts because of the actions of the families they belong to hardly perceive themselves as part of those familiesUmberson and Thomeer, 2020). Family is upheld by love but is destroyed by hate; therefore, in the presence of hate, the traditional meaning loses its meaning. Comment by vlmerlini: This is not on task – omit this section

Conversely, in the presence of love, family gains meaning despite the lack of blood relations. This statement explains why an adopted child becomes family while a servant of the household does not even after working for a family for years on end. Here, the family adopts the child with the intention of loving, caring, and understand him (Latchford, 2019). On the other hand, the family hires a servant to help out with the household activities and pays him in return and this is the basis of the relationship-nothing more and as a result, the servant is not family as the factors like love and caring and loyalty are lacking. A person may consider another person as family if that person has been positively impactful by showing love, care, and loyalty. Comment by vlmerlini: This is not on task – omit Comment by vlmerlini: This can be a component of an extended definition but it must be stated in a thesis statement and it must be the topic sentence

Latchford (2019) indicates that there are people without blood relatives or unreliable blood relatives who have found genuine affection and assistance from people in their lives, mostly friends, and who because of their caring actions, have come to see them as family. For instance, a street person will consider members of the community as family because of their efforts to ensure that he does not go without Family refers to people who one would rather spend quality time with because of the love and care they feel from them. Non-related people consider themselves family because they have stuck with each other through easy and difficult times and have been loyal and caring to each other (Latchford, 2019). For others, people become family when they overcome unexpected situations together. For instance, a surviving being stranded on a lone island for a few days may leave the survivors with attachments that make them feel like family. Comment by vlmerlini: These can be components of an extended definition but they must be stated in the thesis statement and they must be topic sentences

The conventional meaning of family is limiting as it only focuses on blood relations; however, it is still relevant since blood relations remind people of their history and helps them know who they are. Regardless, looking at family as a matter of blood relations makes people overlook the important and impactful people in their lives. Family should be considered as the relationship among people who care for each other, are loyal to each other, and spend quality time with each other to improve their quality of life. Comment by vlmerlini: The conclusion has to summarize the points made in the discussion. You cannot add anything new. Then you bring the reader back to the thesis – you show you have justified your analysis.

References

Laming, M. M., Morris, A., & Martin-Lynch, P. (2019). Family. In Mature-Age Male Students in Higher Education (pp. 43-48). Palgrave Pivot, Cham.

Latchford, F. J. (2019). Steeped in blood: Adoption, identity, and the meaning of family. McGill-Queen’s Press-MQUP.

Umberson, D., &Thomeer, M. B. (2020). Family matters: Research on family ties and health, 2010 to 2020. Journal of Marriage and Family82(1), 404-419.

Think About Your Writing:

1. The essay is significant in the way it offers a more expanded meaning of family. The readers will find the essay to be reasonable and impactful in the way it extends the meaning of family. The essay does not overlook the meaning and the importance of the traditional meaning of family to discredit it. Instead, it expounds on the importance of the traditional family to the well-being and health of an individual. At the same time, it offers an argument that the definition of family does not have to and should not be limited to blood relations. The essay shows how a family in its conventional form can lose meaning when the members of the family lack love and affection for each other. Additionally, it demonstrates how a person does not need to have blood relations to qualify as a family to another person. The essay is significant as it shows how life can lead people to become family through relationships filled with genuine love and care and loyalty. Moreover, it is significant in the way it demonstrates how a person may spend extensive time with another and still not make it as part of a family because of the lack of positive emotions and impacts. Comment by vlmerlini: The questions need to be included Comment by vlmerlini: This is not to the point and it needs to be omitted. You need to complete the task as given. Defending the traditional definition of family was not the assigned task

2. The area of the essay draft that will benefit most from revision is the body as it contains most of the information on the selected topic. Since the topic flowed during writing, it was difficult to know how to move to the next paragraph without leaving the last one hanging and without starting the next with a sentence that does not make sense. Revision of the body area will allow me to ensure that all the points in the respective paragraphs make sense and have a logical flow. Additionally, since this is the area with the most information, it is bound to have the most grammatical errors. Therefore, it is the area that will benefit most from revisions that will allow for the identification and the correction of the errors. The body is also the area of the draft where in-text citations apply. A revision on the body will ensure that the in-text citations are done appropriately and per the general format of the essay. Furthermore, the revision will ensure there is no plagiarism by ensuring that all the direct or indirect quotes in the body have been cited properly.

3. One of the strengths of my writing in the essay is the ability to have a logical flow of ideas and this stems from the creation of subsequent drafts before the development of the final draft. From the introduction to the conclusion, the ideas follow each other well, are easy to understand, and lead up to the conclusion smoothly. The strength of my writing is the ability to draft the essay with minimal grammatical errors and this makes proofreading easier and faster. On the other hand, my weakness in writing is in knowing how to space the paragraph especially when there is the use of limited topic sentences. In some instances, I have issues with moving to the next paragraph since the ideas of the current paragraphs are incomplete, yet I do not move to the next, the current one ends up being bigger than the next or the previous one. To deal with this issue, I will learn how to use connecting words to link two paragraphs.

Touchstone 3 Rubric and Feedback
Rubric CategoryFeedbackScore (acceptable, needs improvement etc.)
Extended DefinitionDefines a meaningful and nuanced word or concept in a coherent and compelling way, consistently using critical thinking and thoughtful discussion to explore the definition. Consistently goes beyond traditional definitions to define or redefine the word in a new and unique way.Non-performance – no extended definition given
Working ThesisHas a clear, focused, and detailed working thesis that is expressed in a single sentence that states the central claim of the essay.Non-performance – no thesis given
OrganizationIncludes all of the required components of an essay, including an introduction with a strong thesis; an adequate number of body paragraphs (3-6), each with an effective topic sentence; and a conclusion with an effective concluding statement. The sequence of sentences and paragraphs is logical and flows well.Needs improvement
Style and ToneDemonstrates thoughtful and effective word choices and uses a wide variety of sentence structures. Establishes a consistently unbiased and impersonal tone that is appropriate for an informative essay.Advanced
FocusDetails are relevant and support the purpose of the essay. The writer consistently makes effective connections between the supporting details and the working thesis.Needs improvement
ConventionsThere may be a few negligible errors in grammar, punctuation, spelling, capitalization, formatting, and usage.Advanced
Think About Your WritingDemonstrates thoughtful reflection; consistently includes insights, observations, and/or examples in all responses. Answers all reflection questions effectively, following or exceeding response length guidelines.Advanced
Overall Score and Feedback: 6/10Abel – The assignment was not fully understood, there were missing components of the essay, and much of what was written was not on task. You were not to defend or criticize or champion or discard the traditional definition of family. You were to extend that definition but identifying two or three types of people or groups of people who could be called family. A clearly stated extended definition needs to be offered in the introduction and then each component becomes a topic sentence of a paragraph. Review the feedback and good luck with the revision.

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